I remember when I was just a child, lying in my room at my grandparent’s house. It was a peaceful afternoon. I can vividly remember the sound of the trees and leaves rustling outside my window. I looked outside, closed my eyes, and felt the breeze touching my face. The smell was a mixture of nature and soil. It was a great life, but all I could think of at that moment was hoping that I grow up soon so I can leave this place…

I was just a child back then – innocent, naive, and carefree. My parents separated when I was about six years old. My siblings and I later came to live with our mum’s parents. My grandma was very meticulous and strict when it comes to our studies. My grandpa was very affectionate, but he also has episodes of anger spikes. Lol. They loved and pampered us while growing up and raised us together with our Aunties.

However, when I became a teenager, I became bitter and resentful about our broken family. I was blind and ungrateful of all the things that our grandparents and aunties gave us that our parents couldn’t provide. For me, it wasn’t enough. It didn’t feel right. All I wanted was to get away from that place.

Reflection of the past

As I grew up as an adult, I came to realize the reality of life – both in good and bad ways. I looked back, and these overwhelming feelings of yearning and regret shocked my core. I longed for the past. I badly wanted to go back to those moments where I could spend my days playing with our cats and dogs outside, sleeping without a care in the world, and just waiting for our grandparents to feed us. Bills and responsibilities don’t exist in that world, and my grandparents were always there to take care of us.

The past couple of days, my family and I were reminiscing, and it was an overwhelming feeling of happiness, sadness, and regret. These feelings hit me like an ocean wave; it felt nice, but at the same time, I was taken aback by its force. The longing was so intense, and it made me think of all those happy times. I wished I could change some of the things I did or never did in the past. It made me miss my grandma even more. She passed away almost ten years ago.

Regret – this, for me, is one of the saddest feelings in the world. You can never turn back time to change things. You can’t do anything but move on with your life. Reflecting on my past helped me realize to live life to the fullest and to tell people how you feel about them before it’s too late. You will never grow as a person if you live in the past.

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

Søren Kierkegaard

Looking back at the past made me realize that it is a chance for us to re-evaluate ourselves. It shows how we’ve grown all those years and reminds us of the person who we used to be. I guess that’s also why I started this blog. It helps me remember the way I was before. Those memories – it’s a gift. You may keep it with you your whole life. Even though the people have left, the situation has changed, in your memories, they will always stay the same…